(theme music playing)
(audience cheering)
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "Last Week Tonight."
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us.
Just time for a quick recap of the week,
and we begin with diplomacy-- war for pussies.
Last week, Iran and the US reached
a historic nuclear agreement.
And this week, the Obama administration
began its effort to sell that deal back home.
And judging by Thursday's congressional hearing,
they may have an uphill battle.
Convince me that this, what we're going through
right now, isn't just a big charade.
With all due respect, you guys have been bamboozled.
Not unlike a hotel guest that leaves
only with a hotel bathrobe on his back,
I believe you've been fleeced.
What?
That last one doesn't even make sense.
If-- If you've ever stayed in a hotel,
you know if you get out of there with a free bathrobe,
I don't care what you gave up to get it,
that's a good deal.
That's-- They are soft.
Those things are soft.
It's like being inside a monogrammed sheep.
This-- This is the beginning of 60 days
of congressional review.
And strap in, because it could be
a rough two months ahead.
One group opposing the deal is reportedly spending
as much as $40 million campaigning against it,
including ads like this one.
Man: Restrictions end after ten years.
Then Iran could build a nuclear weapon in two months.
Congress should reject a bad deal.
We need a better deal.
Oh, a better deal.
Of cour-- Why didn't John Kerry think of that?
In fact, why stop there?
Why not get an even better deal while you're at it?
Or even ask for the best deal,
plus $100, and a free hotel bathrobe.
That's-- That's how diplomacy works, right?
You just ask for it and they give it to you.
That's my understanding.
So, it seems pretty clear the Obama administration
has its work cut out for it.
So, what are they doing to compete with that $40 million war chest?
They've actually launched this Twitter handle
called "@TheIranDeal."
The whole goal here really is "Come at me.
"If you want any questions about this deal,
"If you're a naysayer, make sure to tweet us,
because we will get the facts straight."
That's right.
The administration is fighting back with a Twitter account.
And-- And to be fair, it was going pretty well
for a day or so, until @TheIranDeal got into
a feud with Taylor Swift and Nicki Minaj.
Taylor was like,
"@TheIranDeal allows Iran to keep one-third of its 19,000 centrifuges."
And Nicki was like,
"How do we know @TheIranDeal will ensure Iran keeps uranium
or refinements at five percent?"
And then @TheIranDeal was like,
"WTF. Ladies, I've done nothing but love and support you."
And then it was on.
It was on!
The point is, Twitter is not the place for this shit,
and it's gonna be a long 60 days.
So, let's move on to FIFA,
um, an international crime syndicate
that occasionally organizes soccer matches.
As we have amply covered on this show,
FIFA and its head, Sepp Blatter, have been
engulfed in allegations of corruption.
Blatter has been trying to clean up his image of late,
and this week, he was in Russia,
preparing for the 2018 World Cup,
where he uttered words no human has ever said before.
First of all, I have to say, thank you, President Putin.
You make us happy and comfortable.
Thank you so much.
(laughter, applause)
That's never happened!
Also, I'm honestly surprised
that they were able to touch each other
without instantly creating a vortex of concentrated evil
that sucked all of humanity
into a gaping maw of eternal darkness.
And-- And I have to say, shaking hands with Putin
when you may be facing corruption...
uh, corruption charges,
bespeaks a much larger problem for FIFA's top brass,
because sometimes, it seems,
they honestly may not know how bad their actions look.
Take former FIFA vice president Jeffrey Webb,
who just last week faced charges of accepting bribes worth millions of dollars.
He plead not guilty and was released on $10 million bail.
But wait, just wait until you see how he came up with it.
He provided a Ferrari, ten properties,
and five Rolex watches to secure his release on bail.
A Ferrari and five Rolexes.
That does not look great when you're fighting corruption charges.
His bail was apparently set at one midlife crises.
But there is nothing that is likely to be worrying FIFA
more at the moment than the potential loss
of the thing most precious to them.
FIFA admits it is having trouble getting new sponsors,
and the ones it already has, well, they want a meeting.
The CEO of Visa called FIFA's response to the scandal "wholly inadequate."
A few hours ago, Budweiser's parent company,
InBev, joined that call.
Also, McDonald's, another huge sponsor,
said it is not satisfied, and will not be
without the transparency of an independent commission.
Wow.
You know your organization is in trouble
when McDonald's says it is not satisfied.
This-- This is coming from the maker
of grayish brown meat circles,
tiny condensed chicken mistakes,
and, once a year, the Shamrock Shake,
a.k.a. a leprechaun's diarrhea.
And lastly-- Moving on.
Lastly this week, let's look at Canada,
the country with a thriving economy
based on making jean jackets for geese
and-- and of course, their booming sexy Ryan manufacturing industry.
This past week, saw bad news for one company
that you maybe didn't even realize was Canadian.
A website that encourages people to cheat on their partners
is reeling from a huge data breach.
AshleyMadison.com executives confirmed this morning
that their website has been hacked.
And the group claiming responsibility
is threatening to release the personal information
of the website's millions of users.
Ashley Madison's slogan is "Life is short. Have an affair."
Ooh.
"Life is short. Have an affair."
That is the most morally dubious slogan
since Toyota's short-lived "Feeling bored? Hit someone with your car."
Now the fact-- the fact that AshleyMadison.com
has been hacked is a crime, but it is hard to feel too bad
for a company that has willingly run this ad...
* I'm looking for someone other than my wife *
* Other than my wife
* Ashley Madison is right
* I'm looking for someone other than my wife *
* Other than my wife
* Ashley Madison is right
All: * I'm looking for someone other than my wife *
* Other than my wife
* Ashley Madison is right
That-- That is the catchiest song
about being a complete monster I've ever heard,
and-- and I'm including "Monster Mash" in that.
Also, also, I must say, it seems like the theme there
is essentially go to Ashley Madison,
and you will meet nothing but other dudes.
That-- That seems to be the implication.
Now, interestingly, this story may be bad news
for one city in particular-- Canada's capital, Ottawa,
a town known by locals as the city that fun forgot,
and which once genuinely adopted the slogan
"Technically beautiful."
It-- It turns out that Ottawans may be surprisingly invested in this story.
Reporter: According to the site,
almost 190,000 people in Ottawa are subscribers.
190,000!
If that was somehow true,
that is one in five people in Ottawa.
That's half the married population there.
So, if you live in Ottawa, look to your left,
look to your right-- both of those people
are on AshleyMadison.com, and so are you!
That's a fact!
Look, look, the important thing is here...
Let-- Let me speak to Ottawa.
Ottawa, you cannot let this skeezy website destroy your marriages.
Don't take this lying down beneath some mulleted stranger wearing a wedding band.
The city counselor of Ottawa needs to fight back,
and perhaps, we can help.
Man: Attention, people of Ottawa, we need to talk.
Lumberjacks, turn off your chainsaws.
Hockey players, stop skating for a second, boys.
Moose, you just keep on moosin'.
This doesn't concern you.
This is for the married people of Ottawa.
Sitting at home, thinking about having an affair?
Don't.
There's a simple cure for the marriage blues.
I'm talking about the beautiful city of Ottawa--
the Canadian capital of romance.
Go take a sexy walk together by the Parliament buildings,
surprise your spouse by knowing the clock tower
contains 53 bells, eh?
And also, by performing cunnilingus without being asked.
Just go down.
Maybe take a stroll together down the Rideau Canal?
Did you know that in winter it becomes
the world's largest skating pond?
If that don't get you hard or wet, nothing will, eh?
Or maybe take your spouse to the annual balloon festival.
You can point out the one that looks like a tortoise,
and then fingerbang each other in the car park.
Come on, eh?
Look how beautiful this city is.
I mean, okay, this is footage of Paris,
but you can think about it while you're living here...
in Ottawa.
Okay, look, we get it.
Ottawa is a depressing, frigid shit-hole,
and always has been.
But having an affair is downright un-Canadian.
And you think Mounties have affairs?
Not in those hats.
So, in conclusion, don't have sex
with someone else's husband named Gordon.
Have sex with your own husband called Gordon,
because Ottawa is not about getting your sweet, sweet, extramarital fuck on.
Ottawa is about watching your life float by like so much dirty river ice.
Ottawa-- a perfectly decent place to fuck your own spouse.
(cheers, applause)
Moving on. Let's move on.
Now, the last few weeks have been extremely busy
from the Iran Deal, to Greece's economic meltdown,
to Donald Trump saying...
Who gives a shit about what he says?
It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
But-- But in all the excitement,
you may have missed one piece of news
that got lost in the shuffle.
President Obama tonight granting clemency
to 46 non-violent drug offenders--
the most in one day since the 1960s.
Now, that's fantastic-- giving nearly four-dozen prisoners,
who had made mistakes, a second chance at life.
It's basically the criminal justice version
of "Top Chef's Last Chance Kitchen,"
but with a chance to walk free as the reward
rather than the opportunity to, once again,
disappoint Padma with your risotto.
This brings President Obama's total commutations to 89,
and that's just counting the humans.
Today, I have the awesome responsibility of granting
a presidential pardon to a pair of turkeys.
You are hereby pardoned...
uh, from the Thanksgiving dinner table.
Uh, may you have a wonderful, uh...
and joyful life at Mount Vernon.
(laughter)
Just look at that turkey's face.
Even he thinks the Annual Turkey Pardoning is pathetic.
Look at him. "Ugh, just kill me.
"This is the worst thing that happened to me today,
and you just deep-fried my cousin."
(laughter)
Presidential clemency has always been controversial,
from George W. Bush commuting Scooter Libby's sentence,
to Bill Clinton pardoning financier Mark Rich,
to-- and this is true-- Abraham Lincoln pardoning
a man convicted of attempted bestiality
because the man was intoxicated at the time.
The man in question, John Wilkes Booth.
It's true.
It's actually not true.
But if it had been, that would have been amazing, right?
It would've been-- it would've been amazing.
And you can read more stuff like that in my book,
"Stranger than Truth: John Oliver's 101 Favorite History Lies."
But the point is, the president commuting
these people's sentences is a big deal
because they'd all been subjected to mandatory
minimum sentencing laws, which is our topic tonight.
Mandatory minimums require judges to punish certain crimes
with a minimum number of years in prison
regardless of context, which is a little strange
because context is important.
For instance, like shouting the phrase
"I'm coming!" is fine when catching a bus,
but not okay when you're already on the bus.
So, circumstances make a huge difference.
That's what I'm trying to say.
Now, our current mandatory minimums
were mostly passed during the tough-on-crime era
of the 1980s and '90s, and they're partially
responsible for the explosion of our prison population.
Since 1980, the prison population
has more than quadrupled.
To put that into perspective, that means one out of every
100 adults is locked up.
That's true.
We have two million people incarcerated.
If we keep going in this direction,
we'll soon have enough to populate an entire new country with prisoners,
and trust me when I say that is not a good idea.
Literally, the only good thing to come out of that experiment
was Hugh Jackman, and that took 180 years.
It was worth it, but it was a long time.
But it was worth it. It was worth it.
But that's... two centuries. But it was...
It was worth it, but...
Mandatory minimums have had a real human cost.
Meet one prisoner currently serving time in Oklahoma.
My name is Kevin Ott.
My number's 203093.
I'm in here for trafficking methamphetamine.
I start my 14th year in just a couple of months,
and I will be here until I die.
Yeah.
I have life without parole for three ounces of methamphetamine.
He got a life sentence for three ounces of meth.
That is insane.
They're treating him like he's Season Five Walter White
when he's barely Episode One Jesse Pinkman.
Now, most of the mandatory minimum drug laws on the books
were written in the '80s and '90s when America was
in the grips of a full-fledged antidrug hysteria.
It was a time when you could turn on your TV and see this...
(audience laughter)
This is crack.
Rock cocaine.
It isn't glamorous or cool or kids' stuff.
Little kids doing drugs-- it turns my stomach.
Michael: It's-- it's me!
This is my future?
It is if you don't get off those drugs!
Alf: You use, you lose!
Listen to us! We care about you, Mikey!
There's nothing cool about a fool on drugs!
That-- That last one, you have to hand it to it,
that last one had a clear message to kids.
"Listen, if you do drugs,
"all your favorite cartoon characters
"will show up and talk to you.
Is that what you want? Is that what you want?"
So, suffice the perceived drug menace, Ronald Reagan,
passed tough mandatory minimum drug penalties.
And his successor pushed for even harsher laws,
justifying them in an Oval Office speech
featuring this spectacular moment.
This is crack cocaine, seized a few days ago
by drug enforcement agents in a park
just across the street from the White House.
It could easily have been heroin or PCP.
It's as innocent-looking as candy.
(laughter)
"And now, with the help of this bag's contents,
"I shall ascend into the cosmos on the wings of a dragon
"to a place where joy is everlasting
"and fear is but a memory.
(snorts) "Let's do this thing!
"Let's do this thing, y'all!
Whoo! Where's Kermit?"
(laughter, applause)
And, look... Fun sidenote here.
If you are wondering why someone was dealing drugs
in front of the White House, it later emerged
the administration asked the DEA to relocate
a previously arranged drug sting
to make that line in the president's speech true.
The DEA obligingly agreed to move the buy
a little closer to the White House.
The only hang-up was that apparently
the teenage drug dealer didn't know exactly
where the White House was.
Now, yeah, it's sad that a teenager got caught up in that sting,
but that is an unbeatable prison yard story.
"Oh, that's an amazing breaking-and-entering anecdote you have.
"Did I ever tell you about the time,
I sold crack to the president of the United States?"
(laughter)
And this was by no means just a Republican issue.
Democrats in Congress, state legislatures,
and even Bill Clinton also pushed for these laws,
and by early 1994, 31 states and DC
had mandatory minimum sentences for drug offenses.
They united people from either side of the aisle
faster than playing the "chicken dance" at a wedding.
And that-- that is guaranteed to work every time.
"This is one your Aunty knows!"
* Baa-baa-baa-baa-baa
But-- But nowadays, that bipartisan tide has very much turned.
Everyone from the president to Ted Cruz has spoken out
against mandatory minimums, and earlier this year,
a bipartisan group of legislators introduced
a bill to curve them with this striking statement.
Let me just start off with a challenge to the press and everyone at attendance.
Try to find a more diverse political group gathered
in one place in the history of the United States Congress.
"In fact, I challenge you to find any group as diverse
"as the eight men standing before you.
"I cannot think of anyone who is not represented here.
I challenge you. You are challenged."
In fact, even people who helped write those laws at the time,
have turned on them.
Take Kevin Ring.
He was a congressional staffer who helped push
mandatory minimums in the '90s
because he believed that they were an effective deterrent.
He later went to prison for fraud,
and meeting his fellow inmates somewhat changed his mind.
Most of these guys made stupid mistakes
without any idea of what the punishment was.
They just didn't think they were going to get caught.
Um, so you can-- you can make the severity off the charts.
You can-- you can do life sentence for jaywalking.
It's not gonna stop it.
Of course it isn't.
Ridiculously long sentences are not a great deterrent to crime.
Prison sentences are a lot like penises.
If they're used correctly, even a short one
can do the trick...
...is a rumor I have heard.
And-- And the truth is...
The truth is, mandatory minimums...
mandatory minimums didn't just not work,
they ruined lives.
Take the case of Weldon Angelos,
a non-violent, first-time offender.
When he was 24, he sold small amounts of marijuana to an informant
while he happened to have a gun in his possession.
And as a result, he received a 55-year mandatory minimum sentence with no parole.
He won't get out until he's 79
for selling something that's currently legal
for recreational use in four states,
and whose main side effect
is making episodes of "Frasier" slightly funnier.
And-- And he was not the only one affected by his sentence.
Woman: His two boys were five and seven.
They were just destroyed.
I mean, you could see the sadness in them all the time.
Man: I think it's cruel and...
like, I'm not saying he doesn't deserve anything,
but he did serve his time, and... I think he's in there long enough.
Like, the minimum should've been, like, five years, maybe.
55 years is way too much.
Yeah, it is. It is way too much.
And you know who else thinks that?
The judge who sentenced him.
If he had been an aircraft hijacker,
he would've gotten 24 years in prison.
If he had been a terrorist,
he would've gotten 20 years in prison.
If he was a child rapist,
he would've gotten 11 years in prison.
And now I'm supposed to give him a 55-year sentence?
I mean, that's just not right.
So wait, if my math is right here,
this low-level pot dealer
received the exact same sentence
as would an airplane-hijacking, child-raping terrorist--
a person so evil,
I legitimately don't know if one has ever existed.
And he's not alone.
Many judges-- Many judges oppose mandatory minimums
because they essentially hand over sentencing power
to prosecutors who can then use the threat
of long mandatory minimums to convince defendants
to take a plea bargain or to cooperate by providing information.
And we have all seen this in action on cop shows.
That heroin we found in your apartment,
that kind of weight-- gotta take that to federal court.
Mandatory minimum sentence you're looking at is ten years.
See, we're giving you a choice here, Jimmy.
You do the ten years or you help us
on these homicides we're looking at.
"Yeah, and you know what?
"Don't help us out too quickly either, Jimmy.
"We've got 23 minutes left in this episode,
"so you're going to want to reveal that relevant information
in a nice, piecemeal fashion."
And, look, drugs have hurt people, for sure,
but the mandatory minimum sentencing laws designed to stop them
have done way more harm than good,
particularly to certain populations.
In 2010, nearly three-quarters of federal drug offenders
sentenced under mandatory minimums were black or Hispanic.
They affect minorities the way that hockey injuries affect white people--
not entirely, but disproportionately.
Now-- Now luckily, at the federal level,
we've reduced some mandatory minimums
and added safety-valve provisions to give judges
discretion in certain cases.
And on the local level, at least 29 states
have rolled back their mandatory minimum laws.
But for the most part, those reforms have not been made retroactive,
meaning thousands of people are currently stuck in prison
for crimes that would carry far shorter sentences
if they had committed them just a few years later.
And that's-- that's terrible.
Just think about how annoyed you get
when people who get seated after you at a restaurant
get served and leave before you.
Only, in this case, the food is prison food,
the restaurant is prison, and dinner takes 55 fucking years.
And the thing is, if we go back--
if we go back and fix these mistakes
while we still can, the effect can be transformative.
Look at Jason Hernandez, who was sentenced to life in prison
for dealing drugs, including crack.
Watch him read his commutation from the president.
Jason Hernandez: "Be it known that I, Barack Obama,
"President of the United States of America,
(voice breaking) "in consideration of the...
(sniffles)
"of the premises there is other good...
(sniffles)
"and sufficient reasons be there are to move it...
(sniffles)
"do hereby grant the sent...
the sent application..."
Let me tell you just how moving that is.
I'm moved by it and I'm British.
And we are so repressed that crying in public
is punishable by exile from the country.
I'm only here because I saw the trailer
for "The Notebook" in the theater.
He wrote her every day for a year!
Every day for a year!
Their first love was their greatest love!
(laughter, applause)
There are so many people who deserve to have their cases addressed.
Here is just one more.
Sharanda Jones, a first-time non-violent offender.
She was sentenced to life for her very minor part in a crack cocaine ring.
She had an eight-year-old daughter when she went to prison,
and has had to watch her grow up from inside there.
My dream is to just show up at her school.
I mean, I know they gave me life,
but I can't imagine not being at her graduation.
Her high school graduation-- I just can't imagine me not being there.
Here's the thing-- that was eight years ago,
and she missed that graduation.
And Sharanda was not on the president's list of commutations last week,
nor incidentally, was Weldon Angelos.
And as for Kevin Ott, he couldn't be on the list
because he's in a state facility,
so, his pardon would need to come from the governor of Oklahoma.
And look, there should be a lot more pardons and commutations.
But if we really want to address this problem permanently,
we need states and the federal government
not just to repeal mandatory minimums going forward,
but to also pass laws so that existing prisoners
can apply for retroactively reduced sentences.
Because almost everyone has agreed that mandatory
minimum laws were a mistake,
and we cannot have a system
where people are continuing to pay for that mistake
and where, perhaps, their best chance of getting
out of a prison that they should no longer be in,
is somehow finding a turkey costume
and hanging around the fucking White House at Thanksgiving.
And now, this.
Announcer: And now...
I'm an oil nerd, by the way. Full disclosure.
Full disclosure, I am a huge "Ghostbusters" fan.
Full disclosure, I'm one of those "born in Massachusetts" guys.
Full disclosure, I was Hercules.
Full disclosure, I had to basically wrestle
the hot pants off my 14-year-old yesterday.
Full disclosure, I live in Brooklyn and feel youthful most days.
Full disclosure, I am a Harvard college grad.
Hey, full disclosure on "Jeopardy," by the way,
you won "Jeopardy" once.
Full disclosure off the top, I gained six pounds in England.
(laughter, applause)
And finally tonight, a quick update on Ukraine,
or as Vladamir Putin might call it, Phase One.
Earlier this week, it seems Ukraine might be declaring war on a surprising target.
(reporter speaking French)
Translator: Gerard Depardieu has become a persona non grata
in Ukraine, where France has reported Monday evening
that the actor appears on the country's recent blacklist
for allegedly posing a threat to national security.
Yes, reports indicated Ukraine had blacklisted
Gerard Depardieu, seen here sweating
an unfeasible amount of presumably grain alcohol.
Now, subsequently, it emerged he had not
yet been banned, but the pro-Ukranian activists
had suggested his name be added to a blacklist
of foreign cultural figures who speak out in support
of violating the territorial integrity of Ukraine.
And if you are wondering what he could possibly have
have said to annoy them that much,
well, at a Latvian film festival last year,
he reportedly said, and I quote,
"I love Russia and Ukraine, which is part of Russia."
Which-- Which-- let's be fair,
those are pretty provocative words
from the 104th biggest star of 102 Dalmatians.
But... let me just take a moment to issue
a word of caution to Ukraine,
because some reports speculated you might ban
the use of Gerard Depardieu's image,
and that would, frankly, be a huge mistake, and I'll tell you why.
Photos of him are genuinely some of the funniest things on the Planet Earth.
Let me quickly prove this to you.
Here is one of him driving a scooter through the countryside.
Just look at that face!
Look how happy he is!
Do not deny yourself that, Ukraine!
Here's another one of Depardieu with his nose stuck in a glass of wine.
That is visual Prozac!
And-- And this photo should frankly be painted
on the fucking ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
Not only is he spraying himself with Silly String,
he's staring down the spray can
like he's somehow confused by its role in all this.
(in French accent) "I must confess to you, Monsieur Spray Can,
"I do not know from where this mysterious
white substance-- Oh! Voila! It happened again, my dear friend."
(laughter)
Look, Ukraine, you've had a rough year,
so why deny yourselves images like this one?
Of Gerard Depardieu walking down the street
with two pairs of glasses on his head?
Why do that to yourself?
Or a picture of him making whatever this expression is?
Is that fear? Is it excitement?
Like any great work of art, you can see so many things in it.
We did a photo search for this segment.
We could not find a bad photo of this man.
We couldn't find a good one either,
but we definitely couldn't find a bad photo.
So, to remind you of what you might be giving up, Ukraine,
over the credits of our show tonight,
please enjoy this selection of Depardieu images
set to the sound of cartoonishly French music.
That's our show.
Thank you so much for watching.
Thanks to Gerard Depardieu for living his truth.
Good night!
*